It’s taken me years to come this far, to be honest… and it hasn’t been easy. I used to blame my bad coordination on my body being too big. I never really thought that if it was just size, I would learn where I could or couldn't fit well, and I wouldn't bump into stuff as much, because I would be aware of my body’s boundaries better. I never was really thinking straight, though. Hell I even thought it was normal for gravity to hate me, and want me to be on the ground 24/7. I just dealt with each day’s blows as they came, and tried my best to ignore them.

I never had an excuse for my sensitivities, but I used to dismiss it thinking it was all in my head. After all, no teacher ever thought something was wrong with me, so obviously they must be right, right? One day when I came up to my school counselor after days of being too afraid to speak up, I asked about a specific learning disorder that I thought I had. The only reply I got was that she had no clue what I was talking about, and to go back to class. So off I went for the rest of high school, struggling along with unknown reasons for my weird problems.

Well, I’ve been a part of several communities for a while now. I came across a nice person in the chat room of one of these communities, who listened to my complaints as I struggled to do some college homework last minute. I was so flustered, upset and restless that I wanted to cry, but I didn’t know why. I thought I was just being a whiny brat, but he actually believed me when I was saying I couldn’t control feeling like this.

Hours later, we kept talking, and I remembered something that had always bugged me, but I never knew the reason why. Why some sounds, smells and touches would make me feel sick or feel hurt. Why I had bad posture and couldn’t rectify it on my own, and why I was constantly craving motion even when I was focused on my work.

Now, before you think ‘Oh, these are just normal things to feel during homework time’, I want you to remember how I explained it in the first place… When all these sounds and feelings become too much for me to handle, I can’t control it anymore. My body feels “not right”, and every little touch sears pain through my body, every little sound comes at me like a jackhammer. It’s intense and it’s upsetting…

But well, after a few hours of talking I was told to look up something, because it fit what I had been explaining.

Sensory Processing Disorder.

Suddenly, a light went off in my head- it clicked. I frantically kept looking for more information… recalling all these childhood memories, symptoms I had experienced but shoved away, just everything. It was the missing puzzle piece for me.

But now where did I go? Research is the first step, but research can’t cure it…so what do I do from here? I'm in shock...